this modern love.

I am feeling completley out of sorts these days! I am constantly cruising between so happy I could burst, to sad & contemplative. I would not say I am teetering on depressed, because it takes a lot for me to get to that point. My emotions are just parading from one to another. I am easily anxious. Do I think 'the breakup' has anything to do with it? Honestly, Yes. But not for the reasons you would immediatley jump to in your head. It's not a matter of missing the person, but missing the feelings; the stability that being in a relationship provides any person with. No matter how horrible said relationship is; it is stabile in it's terrible glory. I have far moved on from that person, simply realizing he is not for me. I am completley independant in all forms of life. I pay all my own bills, live on my own; and have been doing so since I turned 18. And I SO miss the stability of a relationship. And here comes the ridiculous part...also so dreading ever getting into another one. I love the ups! I live for the ups of a relationship. The first kiss, getting to know the person, being so completley enamoured with said person that your brain basically swirls around in your head, and your stomach twists. The first time you guys sleep together! Even the first fight. But then it just all goes down hill, the fights, the drama, the jealousy, the lies. Then part of me thinks "Wait, these aren't normal things!" Part of me thinks I had it all wrong the first time, that the next time love will be easy! It will fall into place, it will be like floating on a preverbial cloud. It doesn't change being scared, though. I don't PLAN on being in a relationship WITH ANYONE for quite some time. I need to keep my head on straight, need to wash away these feelings of needing stability. It's just hard, because I am one of those people who plans things. Tries to have every little meticulous thing mapped out so there's no questions; only absolute. I need to get over that. Just be.